sex under ze table

he'd probley kill me for posting this but its my blog so fook off.

i knew this guy once, can't remember how i met him,
but i can tell you it was the wrong time to meet him/me.
LOOOOONNNNNGGGG story short
shit happend and now were not friends.
i cannot deny all the things i said.
but i must say they were horrible, sorry simply, blatently so dose not cut it.
i can tell you people out there that i have never ever met anyone even close to what this person was like.
there simply cannot be another person like him out there, it just wouldn't be right.

i truely believe i liked him.
-but i must admit for stupid reasons
i.e nice hair blahh blah

only now i relise, how much i miss our conversations, and how i'm not as dumb/ immature.
i hope so hard someday we'll be on speaking turms.
but thats all i can do for now.

miss you.

oh hi.

well hi.

so long as i can say whatever the fuck i like on here,

cause i don't think many people/no one will read it.

I've been depressed about...ohh... most of my life?

yeah, the first really big spell was in class 7.

i would have been 12? i don't remember much from when i was in these spells. its so weird.

the next i remember was only a few flashes from class 8. the rest is blank.

uhh "those holidays" between class 8 and 9. same as before, do not remember like ANYTHING from that whole time. i was stoned half the time.

aand, then then at the end of class 9. then at the end of the holidays.

in between these low points, i was utterly high on life. you might say ha.

and those- (weirdly) are the times i made alot of friends.

next time was the beginning of this year.

then on a high for a long time. i thought that was all i'd have and i'll be fine and it wont come up again.

uhh, no? ha

it dosnt just hit you like a brick. and its not as noticeable as just dying your hair green oneday.

it slowley seeps in.

reeeeeaaallllly slowly.

you hardly notice it.

but then you do.

and then when its already seeped into most of the parts of your life.

then something sets it off.

and suddenly its waay more horrible then you thought.

a few things have set me off this time.

but there not important.

but i did realise a few things.

did you know alot of standup/television comedians

have bipolar.

and if you know me you'd know i come off as funny i gess.

i don't like saying it, i don't think i am. but people say i'm knowen for being funny.

its like hiding behind this big wall of crudeness and jokes.

and its cool cause making people laugh is easy, and they don't notice that you're on the brink of bursting out crying, for no apparent reason.

i truely do like funny things.

and i do truely love to laugh.

i love drinking.

and sex.

something i'll just leave with.

i eat alot when i'm depressed.

-you seen me?

mmhm.

no.

i love it when i get a text and i push the little button on the side, and insted of a name its an unknowen number. I always just start talking and don't ask till later, cause i like to think of it as getting to know someone without judging them on what they look like. If it turns into a good conversation then i always hope its the guy of my dreams. i sould like a bloody prat but its truely what i think haha.

(the person texting me turned out to be my cousion. but ya'know)

2nd day of school over and life is still un-eventful.

Found this girl on........bebo? i think or blogger but anyway, shes (and i swear) my idol!

all her clothes, all her things, they way she talks, i think we'ed get along really well.

Thats always they way aye.

i find out these people are intrested in all the things i am, butttt.....

its not even possible for us to be friends.

Ether because their "too cool" for it, or something. or me fucking things up ages ago.

i did that alot.

sorry to all those people i was a dick too.

heads or tails?

ga fuck i really don't care atm i'm not gonna dwell on this depression shit.

lates.

we are like the girls from sex+ the city

i went to see bruno yesterday.

for the 2nd time.

haha.

johnnys gone.

uhmm, going to sophies dads tonight.

with billie so yay.

they should be here soon. :/

downloaded some more torrents

nevershoutnever <3

haha.

got no money :(

and i woke up too late and missed my orthodontist apointment.

damn.

fucking hell i've been having headaches all day yesterday and today :(

fucking hell.

well i better go sort shit out.

lates.

drinks at mine friday 17th.

johnnys leaving today.

people think i've been being mean lately,

i mean i have but i've been pissed off.

my "friends" are losers and (no offence to freya shes my mate) there all turning into her, r what she used to be.

while BTW claming they hate her!

i hate them ATM!

All i wanted to have was a nice goodbye, and maby here from johnny that he might you know miss me,

i think maby not.

eh.

omg, my friends in the class have shrunk to exactley only like 10.

its so weird. :S

i've kinda been hiding the past week, freaking out about johnny leaving.

so i've been at home, with mum or alone its weird.

i'm just tired of it all.

drama.

AND I NEED MY IPOD!

but i think it broke!!!!!

noooo!!!

:(

even though its not a biggie,

i think i might cry.

i gotta wash the dishes.

crying i gess.

ahahah

lates.

ahhhh.

OHHHH,

jap thing yesterday was sw33t!

brought some pocky you knoww.

now mum likes itt. haahha

i like the strawberry one more aye.

and we saw oscer there!

that was so weird, he has the kind of face like oli sykes but the hair of a random person. it was odd. :S

went to johny+tammos "GOOODBYE" dinnerthing.

was good.

uh huh.

actually most of the time we were talking about bruno. :)

such the best movie ever.

going to see it again.

yeah you know.

i'm gonna miss johnny.

like alot :(

and now i'm craving pocky so bad i have to go.

lates

at mine.

ahhaha, just found the funnist guy ever on youtube.

check it yo.

holidays!

heeeeyyy, y'all

lol

what?

hauhm its holidays now!

and we did the final peformance of the play on saturday! it was the best peformance amalia said.

The after party was at mine, and it was suprisingly really good aye!

fuck i need to tidy my room so bad, i've been so busy :S

catelin and brahm turned up at my house last night,

we sat in the car and lisiened to his music, which was sw33t.

today i gotta go to the GYM!. soon i think and then at 4 georgias gonna catch the bus down and we'll have amerry old time ;D

mamas sick, so don't go near her.

and shes hogging the laptop.

but on the bright side adam has retured my computerrr, so now i can .....use...it..

i gess.... yeah well obviously.

the only tricky bit is all my music is on the laptop and i don't know how to move it :S

ahhh i better go get ready for the gym, or i'll never go!

lates.